.png)
Looking back at the process of choosing my donor, it's safe to say it was one of the most intense parts of my journey to becoming a single mom by choice. Oddly enough, I initially thought this step would be the easiest. I saved it for last, thinking, "After I figure out the medicine, housing, and all the other stuff, this will be a breeze." Boy, was I wrong.
The Preparation Phase
Choosing a donor turned out to be quite challenging. I joined a single mothers by choice community group and started asking around. I wanted to know which sperm banks were recommended and what factors others considered important. Eventually, I settled on a particular sperm bank and subscribed to their service. This gave me access to view multiple donors and filter through their information.
Setting My Criteria
First and foremost, I wanted a healthy donor. The sperm bank performed genetic testing on the donors, so I felt assured that any major health issues would be flagged. I could handle minor issues like acne, but I was cautious about family histories of cancer or high blood pressure.
Something worth highlighting is the options I had as a Black woman — or the lack thereof. Even though I chose a sperm bank that the women in my group felt had more diversity than other institutions, I soon realized that there was a scarcity of Black donors. In my family, we are a large array of shades, so although I was inclined to look for a Black donor, that wasn’t my priority.
Instead, a key factor for me was choosing a "known donor." This means that when my daughter turns 18, she has the option to contact him, and he's open to that interaction. While I hope my daughter doesn't feel the need to reach out to her donor, I wanted to give her that option.
I also looked for donors with known successful pregnancies. This gave me confidence that the donor's sperm had contributed to a successful pregnancy before. Plus, I made sure the donor had enough inventory, in case I needed it for future IVF attempts or if I wanted more children in the future.
Narrowing Down the Options
Once I set my core criteria, I still had hundreds of donors to choose from. This is where it got overwhelming. To help narrow down the options, I added criteria like eye color and height. Yet, it remained a daunting task. At one point, I even considered the advice I heard from a group member: "Pick a donor like you would for a one-night stand." I’ve never had a one-night stand, but this perspective helped simplify the decision.
Making It Fun
To lighten the mood and make the process more enjoyable, I organized what I called "Lydia's Baby Daddy Picking Party." I created a slideshow featuring my top five donor choices and invited some of my girlfriends to a virtual brunch. My friends were enthusiastic, asking many questions and helping me make my decision. What I thought would be a 30-minute activity turned into a two-hour event filled with valuable and fun discussions.
Choosing a donor was a complicated part of my journey, but involving my friends made it much more manageable and enjoyable. If you're going through a similar process, I suggest checking out what information your chosen sperm bank provides and deciding what’s most important to you. And remember, making the journey fun can make all the difference. Involve your loved ones—they can offer invaluable support and make sure you don’t feel alone in your decision-making process.
Choosing my donor was an intense, but ultimately rewarding experience. Now, when I look at my daughter, I know every step was worth it and I am eternally grateful to this stranger who gave me my biggest gift.
If you want to discuss your specific scenario and even want me to help you choose, just book an Ask Me Anything session!
Comentários